Falling
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Following his diagnosis, Ethan is trying to live his life, but Cal is concerned that Ethan isn't living the life he really wants - and at least one of them is going to get hurt.
1. Chapter 1

_This idea came from a review by a guest. I think it's gone in a different direction from what the guest requested - I think they might have wanted the focus to be more on Cal - so I need to decide whether I want to post the Chapter 2 I've written and accept that stories don't always do what they're meant to, or write a new Chapter 2 that's more in keeping with the idea. If I post the story as I've written it, it will be two chapters._

* * *

Ethan jumped as a hand descended on his shoulder. "Don't do that!" he cried out, feeling his heart thump in his chest as his gaze fell over the railings to the floor a long way below.

"Ethan?" Cal didn't let go of him. Instead, he put his arm right around Ethan and held him tightly. His voice was soothing. "It's okay, Nibbles. You're okay."

"I will be if you stop manhandling me," muttered Ethan, embarrassed and annoyed by his reaction.

Cal loosened his hold, but only slightly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you jump when you were so close to the stairs."

"What difference does that make?" Ethan hadn't meant to snap, but he was having a difficult day; a stressful day, and he couldn't be bothered with this. "If you think I've got a problem with the height, Caleb, then you're wrong. I'm over that now and even if I wasn't, I've never had a problem with the stairs. I've walked up and down these stairs a million times and I'm fine."

"You're shaking," said Cal. He really did look worried. He slowly turned Ethan to face him, his hands on Ethan's shoulders. "What is it, Nibbles?"

Ethan pulled away from him. "You startled me, all right? Creeping up on me like that. And it's nothing to do with the stairs. It would have startled me just as much if you'd done it in the staff room."

Cal was the one looking startled now. He half-extended a hand towards Ethan, but Ethan took a step away, moving himself further from the stairs as well as from Cal. Cal looked at him, confused and slightly irritated. "Ethan, what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" said Ethan. He glared at Cal. "Except that my brother's annoying me."

"I just wanted to talk to you!" Cal was beginning to lose his temper now too. "I just wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me to visit Mum and Mum after work."

Ethan tensed. "I'm going out after work," he said in a low voice.

"Where to?"

"To the pub," said Ethan. "Where else?"

Cal looked at him in disbelief. "Ethan, you can go to the pub anytime! This is our mums and you haven't been to see them for ages."

"How do you know?" said Ethan. "Have you been there every day?" He'd meant to go. He'd thought about going. But he was hurting so badly from what Emilie had given him and the lies Matilda had told him. He didn't think he could visit the graveyards without crying and he didn't want them to see him like that.

"I know I've been a lot more times than you!" Cal was almost shouting. He took a couple of breaths and lowered his voice. "What's wrong, Ethan? I know it's tough for you. I can't even imagine what you're going through. But this 'be more Cal' business of yours… getting drunk every other night… coming in at 3am with traffic cones and without your glasses…"

"That happened once!" snapped Ethan. "I lost my glasses _once_ when I wasn't used to drinking and I brought the traffic cone home because… because…" Ethan stopped. He had no idea why he'd brought the traffic cone home with him. "…because I wanted to! And don't say you've never brought a traffic cone home with you because I remember hiding it under my bed for you."

"I was seventeen!" said Cal. "And that was just… _me_. I've always been a drunken idiot. At times. But this _isn't_ you."

Ethan glared at him. His chest felt tight and he could barely get the words out. "How do you know who I am? Did you ever take the trouble to find out?"

"Ethan, what's wrong with you? Of course I know who you are," said Cal. "You're my geeky little brother who loves medical research and walking holidays and stupid puns."

"Yes, well, maybe that wasn't the real me!" said Ethan, his voice hoarse from the ache in his throat. "Maybe that's who I felt I ought to be to make up for who _you_ are!"

Cal's mouth opened. No sound came out for several seconds. Hurt came to his eyes. For a moment or two, it looked as though tears might follow, but then Cal swallowed and when he spoke, his voice was firm. "No. You don't mean that. If that was true, maybe you'd have been like that when you were at home with Mum, but you left home a long time ago. You had plenty of time to start being yourself, but you didn't. Because you were already yourself."

"Maybe I was just afraid to be myself!" said Ethan. "Because I'd had so much time being someone else, I'd forgotten how to be me."

Cal shook his head. "No, Ethan. Listen to me. Listen to _yourself_. I know you're upset. Devastated. You have every right to be. And you know, you have basically got the right idea."

"How big of you, Caleb!" Ethan almost spat the words.

"You want to live your life and do all the things you want to do, and that's what you should be doing," said Cal. "The things you've been putting off. The things you've been too scared to try. But they've got to be the things _you_ want to do. Not the things I want and not the things you think you ought to-"

"Will you stop telling me what to do!" Ethan was shouting now and he knew the whole waiting room would be able to hear, but he didn't care. "This isn't even about what I'm doing, is it? You just want to tell me I'm wrong so you can feel better."

Cal took a step towards him, his arms outstretched. "Ethan, no. That's not it at all."

"Just get your hands off me!" shouted Ethan, and shoved Cal hard in the chest. He knew, somewhere in his mind, that he needed to stop this. He might be the kind of guy who liked to get drunk, but that didn't mean he wanted to fight his brother. He never wanted that. But Cal was just so… Cal.

Cal came towards him again. "Ethan, calm down. If you keep on like this someone will report you; you'll get suspended… do you really want that?"

"And you said I was the goody-goody!" said Ethan.

Cal's hands closed around his shoulders. "Ethan-"

"Get off!" Ethan shoved him again, harder. Cal staggered back a few paces and his foot twisted underneath him. He put out his hand to catch himself, but there was nothing there. Only empty air. He cried out as he fell but the floor wasn't there. Only the stairs. He rolled over and over, crying out in pain as one step and then another hit him and bruised him and flung him further and further down.

At last, he stopped falling. He lay still. There was silence.

The whole ED seemed to be silent.

Ethan felt his legs giving way. He landed on his knees at the top of the stairs. He didn't want to look at his brother; at what he'd done to his brother, but it was as though someone had grasped his head and turned it and forced him to look.

Cal was still lying still. He hadn't moved or made a sound, but there was something red beside his face that hadn't been there before. Blood.

Ethan felt sick. He'd seen a lot of blood in his lifetime; he'd even seen his brother's blood before, but not like this. He tried to breathe, but the air seemed thick and it wouldn't go in. He reached instinctively for the banister, afraid for a moment that he might pitch down the stairs next, then he decided he didn't care. He deserved it. This was all his fault.

He hadn't meant it, but it had happened. He'd just wanted to get Cal away from him. Stop him from saying the words Ethan didn't want to hear. He hadn't even pushed Cal towards the stairs – at least, he didn't think so. But Cal had turned his ankle and staggered and that was Ethan's fault.

He could hear voices now. Someone was running up the stairs to Cal: a whole group of people. Connie, Robyn, David, Louise. They checked Cal's airway and breathing. Ethan heard Connie's voice giving orders; calling for a stretcher; trying to stop the bleeding. She said nothing to Ethan. None of them even looked at him.

Why should they?

Ethan fell forward against the banister. He felt pain as his head hit it, but he knew he deserved it. Hot tears fell down his cheeks and his awkward breaths became sobs.

And Cal still didn't move.

 _What if he never moves?_ thought Ethan as he sobbed harder. _He wanted to help me. He was worried about me. And he was right. He was so right…_

He closed his eyes and let more tears fall. _Please be okay, Cal. Please be okay. If you hate me, that's fine. You can hate me forever if you like. Just please be okay…_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for the amazing response to the first chapter! I had some more ideas so the story will be longer than two chapters. I'm not even going to try to predict how many because I'll only get it wrong._

 **LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review - I'm really glad you like this so far. Ethan definitely will be feeling bad for a while and Cal probably won't be feeling any better! Ethan will see Cal in Chapter 3, so let's see how forgiving he is!

 **CBloom2** , originally, Ethan was going to try to make it up to Cal in this chapter, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait for Chapter 3. But you will find out what Ethan has done to Cal! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review - I'm so happy you like my writing. I only hope Chapter 2 lives up to Chapter 1. Cal is the priority at the moment, but Ethan will have a some of interaction with other staff members, though they won't say much.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. You'll find out something about how badly hurt Cal is in this chapter!

 **EDSidekick** , I'm so glad you like the argument - I wasn't quite sure about it, so I'm really happy it worked. I am kind of compromising with the story - I'm keeping what I've written, but it will now happen over several chapters instead of one. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , you're right - Ethan didn't intend for Cal to fall down the stairs at all. He just meant to push him away - he didn't know Cal was going to turn his ankle and lose his balance. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , don't worry - I'm grateful to get reviews at any time. I hope your phone can be fixed/replaced soon. I love supportive Cal too, but he might not be feeling quite so supportive now. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm probably not actually going to kill Cal, but whether he's 'okay' depends on your definition!

 **Tanith Panic** , I like stories that worry me too! It's a shame your name isn't really Tanith or I could have said I'd made Tanith panic. I think it will take a lot longer than half an hour for Ethan to forgive himself. Thank you for your review.

 **casualty lover** , thank you for your review - I'm happy you like the story so far. I'm not sure I could kill Cal, to be honest - I'd be crying too much to finish the story!

 _Thank you to **ETWentHome** , **mmelon3** , **Lcasualty95** , **Gingersnaps2507** , **EDSidekick** , **X-Sammii-X** , **s1436229** for the favourites and follows._

* * *

Odd words and phrases floated up to Ethan as he sat at the top of the stairs. Words he was sure he knew the meaning of, but his mind seemed cold and blank. All he knew with any certainty was that Cal had fallen and it was Ethan's fault.

Ethan sniffed and felt more tears falling. He could see they were taking care not to move Cal and that probably meant he was alive, but he knew that didn't mean he was okay. It didn't mean he could ever forgive Ethan.

 _And why should he?_ Ethan asked himself as the tiny choked gasps he was making swelled into noisy sobs. _Why should he?_

He thought he was crying loudly, but no-one seemed to hear. That might be because they were concentrating on Cal, which was the right thing to do; the only thing Ethan wanted them to do. It made him feel as though he wasn't really there; that he no longer existed; that he was just an echo of what Ethan used to be.

He sank his head into his hands as more tears overwhelmed him, but then he heard something from below. Terror filled him that something had gone wrong; that Cal had deteriorated in some way. He was seized by violent trembling as he looked down at the group of the people huddled around Cal.

Max and another porter were coming up the stairs with a stretcher. They placed it on the floor beside Cal and then stood back, giving the others space to work. Connie put the stretcher into the correct position and helped to support Cal's spine as he was rolled carefully onto the stretcher.

Ethan knew why they were doing that, of course, and his whole body shook with the force of his sobs. He'd thought so bitterly; so angrily of that time in the future when he would be confined to a wheelchair – and now, following one moment of hot, blazing anger, it might be the other brother who was left unable to walk.

Cal didn't move or speak; his eyes remained closed. The pool of blood remained on the floor where he'd been, but Robyn noticed it quickly wiped it away. The irrelevant thought came into Ethan's mind that it wasn't a nurse's job; that a cleaner should have done it. But – although no-one would have done anything they weren't trained for – it wasn't about doing their jobs anymore. It was about doing everything they could to help their colleague. Their _friend_.

Ethan's brother.

Connie ensured Cal was securely on the stretcher and stood up. She and the others moved aside while the porters got into position and lifted the stretcher carefully. The nurses went to help with the stretcher, but Connie remained where she was, watching as Cal was carried down the stairs.

Ethan thought she would follow and wished she would. He longed to be alone, though he didn't know what he'd do with the solitude once it was his. He watched as Connie turned around slowly. A rigidity seemed to enter her body as her gaze locked with Ethan's. She was still standing at the top of the lower flight of stairs and was therefore some distance from Ethan, but he saw the coldness in her eyes as she looked at him; saw the antipathy and anger fill her face.

Ethan's trembles became shivers as the ice in her eyes seemed to permeate his body. He reached for the banister, suddenly needing security, but it didn't help. The sharp gaze seemed to cut right through him.

"I'll speak to you later, Dr Hardy."

She did not raise her voice, but Ethan heard her as clearly as if she'd been right beside him, hissing the words into his ear. Another dart of contempt shot from her eyes and he flinched as though something really had hit him. Connie turned on her heel and walked down the stairs after the stretcher.

Ethan wanted to stand up and watch their progress; perhaps even to run after them, but the strength was gone from his body and all he could do was sit and cry. He put his head into his hands once more, barely registering the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He was aware they were slowing, but he didn't know the person had sat beside him until a hand touched his shoulder.

Ethan looked up to see David. He didn't know the nurse very well. He hadn't been there long and their paths had barely crossed. Even when they had, their conversations had been professional only and even those had been brief. David didn't like to talk and in Ethan's unguarded moments, he had felt a spark of empathy because he'd always found conversations difficult too.

Until now, when his life was slowly but surely being taken away from him and he couldn't allow his shyness to hold him back.

David put one arm firmly around Ethan; the other on his shoulder. Ethan sniffed and felt himself leaning back against David as he sobbed quietly.

"He's alive," said David softly. "He's breathing. We stopped the bleeding."

Ethan felt more tears sliding down his cheeks. He knew that didn't necessarily mean anything. There could be internal bleeding. He could have suffered multiple fractures. There could be a severe injury to his head or spine.

 _Cal, please be okay_! Ethan thought with another sob.

David's hand tightened on his shoulder for a moment, then he stood up and extended his hand to Ethan. His face was kind. Ethan felt grateful for that even though he couldn't understand it. He placed his hand in David's, allowing the nurse to help him to his feet, and looked down at the place where Cal had fallen. There was no trace of the blood now, but Ethan could still see it. He could hear Cal's cries of pain before he was silenced by the blow to his head that had knocked him unconscious. He could see Cal's body rolling over and over. He shut his eyes to hide the image, but it didn't work. He reached out for David, the banister, anything as his legs began to wobble and nausea rose in his throat.

He felt David's arms going around him again, supporting him; holding him upright. Ethan stayed there for a moment, breathing deeply. Slowly, his stomach settled and his legs began to regain their strength. He opened his eyes and looked gratefully at David. No words came, but he could tell David understood.

David put his arm around Ethan again as they slowly walked down the stairs. Ethan began to tremble as they approached the place where Cal had lain and several emotions hit him at once: guilt, fear, sadness, concern, self-hatred. He swung away from the scene and began to walk quickly down the stairs. He stumbled more than once, but David was there to steady him. Ethan was grateful, though he also wished David had let him fall.

The waiting room seemed almost silent. Ethan didn't look at the patients, but he could feel their eyes on him. He didn't know how well they'd seem what had happened, but they must have known two people were fighting and one had fallen. One had been carried off on a stretcher. Now Ethan had appeared, tearful and being held in a supportive embrace that could be mistaken for one of restraint.

He felt more tears falling down his cheeks and dripping onto his scrubs, but he made no move to wipe them away. David steered him around the reception desk and towards the staff room. Ethan was grateful for his silence. He didn't want David to tell him everything was going to be okay. Not when he couldn't possibly know.

It comforted Ethan far more to feel the firm yet gentle hands on his shoulders, helping him along and keeping him upright. Ethan didn't doubt he would have fallen without them.

Fallen… but not like Cal had fallen.

He felt David lowering him onto something soft and realised they'd already reached the staff room. He buried his face in his hands and cried some more, aware that David was still holding him. Ethan couldn't understand why he was being so kind. He wondered if perhaps David hadn't realised what had happened; what he'd done to Cal.

David squeezed his shoulder gently and stood up. Ethan stared up at him as a wave of terror went over him. He didn't want David to leave him. He needed him to be there when he found out that Cal… that Cal…

No. He didn't _deserve_ David's support. He deserved to be all alone when Connie gave him the terrible news of what he'd done to his brother. Ethan felt more tears building in his eyes and tried to fight back more sobs.

David was back at his side in a moment. He handed Ethan some tissues. "Thank you," Ethan managed to whisper as he pulled one from the box, and he felt David squeezing his shoulder before leaving him again. A moment later, Ethan heard a click followed by a hissing sound as the kettle heated up. Ethan felt momentarily angrily with David for thinking tea would help, but perhaps it would help Ethan to control his emotions and stop him from being such a nuisance.

There were patients out there who needed David, but he couldn't help them because Ethan was falling apart.

Ethan tried to stop crying, but he couldn't. Every sob seemed to hurt. Every tear seemed to burn his eyes, but Ethan knew it was nothing in comparison with the pain Cal would be feeling if he'd woken up. "I didn't mean to," he whispered. He lifted his voice, unsure if he was talking to David or Cal or God or just himself. His words came out as a wail. "I didn't mean to!"

David came quickly to his side and put his arm around Ethan again. His face was sympathetic and the gentle movements of his hand on Ethan's back would have soothed him if it wasn't impossible for Ethan to be soothed.

"I didn't mean it!" cried Ethan. "He was trying to help me and I didn't want to admit I was right."

"You didn't mean it," agreed David, as though that made all the difference. Perhaps, to him, it did. "It was an accident, Ethan."

"How do you know?" wept Ethan. "You weren't there."

"I know you," said David calmly. "That's how I know."


	3. Chapter 3

**ETWentHome** , Ethan will be getting some news about Cal very soon - I'll leave you to decide whether it's good or bad! I hope this chapter won't be too upsetting. Thank you for your review - I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

 **westlife4ever80** , I really like David - he's a really interesting character and I'm especially glad he's there as I'm not sure anyone else would have comforted Ethan the way he did. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , David has helped a lot with the pain of seeing Cal and Ethan only once in for episodes! He seems very comforting with his patients so I could see him being the same with an upset colleague. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. You'll find out whether Cal is alive in this chapter! I would love to see Ethan and David becoming friends - he's probably more upset than he seems and he's only really got Cal to support him.

 **Tanith Panic** , I am finding it impossible not to like David! He really helped me to write this scene. It's much easier than writing comforting words, which can sound repetitive and unhelpful and weak, at least when I write them! Thank you for your review.

 **EDSidekick** , thank you for your review. I really am so happy you enjoyed it. That's a really interesting idea about Connie's reaction being partly in Ethan's head - I really wish I could have included that as it's brilliant, but it would have meant big changes. I agree about the patients though - they probably couldn't see the fight and might be staring in surprise or sympathy.

 _Thank you to Gingersnaps2507 for the favourite._

* * *

Ethan and David were sitting together, David's arm around a still-tearful Ethan, when Connie appeared. Ethan heard her footsteps before he saw her. It was surprisingly how familiar footsteps could be. He knew it was Connie and not Lily or Zoe… though Zoe had left now.

Another footstep sounded. Connie's walk, when not running to a patient, was slow and measured. Unhurried. Ominous. Ethan tensed in fear and began to tremble again. David's hands tightened on his shoulders. Ethan was so glad David was there.

"Dr Hardy," said Connie.

Ethan sniffed and at her through tear-filled eyes.

"Dr Knight has suffered a slight concussion (though his memory is not affected); a fractured clavicle; a fractured scaphoid; slight abrasions and contusions to the face; sprained ankle ligaments; contusions to the shoulders, chest, ribs and back," said Connie. "There's no injury to the spine. Most of the injuries clearly happened in the fall; the injuries to the shoulders and chest are more consistent physical violence. I have spoken to several witnesses of the fight between you and Dr Knight. Is there anything you'd like to add, Dr Hardy?"

Ethan's tears overflowed. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

David's hands tightened on his shoulders. "Mrs Beauchamp, Dr Hardy is very upset."

Ethan gave David a grateful look. He knew not everyone would have dared to say that and it was going to be more difficult for David than most.

"We all are," said Connie shortly. "Especially Dr Knight."

"Please can I see him?" begged Ethan.

"Dr Knight has requested not to see you and even if he hadn't, I couldn't allow it after what has happened," said Connie.

Ethan cried harder. "I didn't mean it, Mrs Beauchamp. I didn't mean to hurt him."

"Perhaps not, but whether your violent impulses are intentional or not, they did cause a member of staff to become seriously injured," said Connie. "Dr Hardy, I am suspending you with immediate effect. I will make a decision in due course about whether the police are to be informed. Nurse Hide, please see that Dr Hardy gets everything he needs from his locker and ensure that he leaves the premises. I would recommend a taxi: I don't think Dr Hardy is fit to drive."

"Mrs Beauchamp, please listen!" cried Ethan. "It was an accident! I didn't mean to. I just need to see him; speak to-"

"Dr Hardy, I don't have time for this. I need to put in an urgent request for two locum registrars." Connie turned and walked away. At the door she paused, then turned to face him. "I hope I don't need to tell you how very disappointed I am."

* * *

David cleared Ethan's locker for him. Ethan knew he ought to do it himself, but even if he could have stood up, he couldn't quite understand what clearing your locker really meant. All Ethan could really think about at that moment was Cal's injuries, the amount of pain he was likely to be in and the worst-case scenarios for all of them.

David carried Ethan's bag over to him and looked at him, silently asking if Ethan was ready.

Ethan dabbed his eyes and nose and put his glasses back on. "I'm ready."

He wasn't. He wasn't ready to leave the hospital he'd almost come to think of as a second home. He wasn't ready to leave the people who were almost his family – but would certainly disown him now. He wasn't ready to face the dismissal he was certain would come; the long search for jobs – and the long future he'd spend alone. Cal would never forgive him and although he might still feel it was his duty to care for Ethan, Ethan knew he would resent every moment.

"You don't want to get changed?" said David.

Ethan shook his head. It seemed like too much.

David looked as though he understood.

Ethan could see some of his colleagues hard at work, but they didn't glance his way. They might just be focused on their work. They might not be aware of what had happened. Or perhaps they didn't want to look at such a horrible person.

Ethan wondered if the corridor had always been this long. No matter how many steps he took, it stretched endlessly in front of him. He'd always quite liked the clean, brightness of the ED, but now it seemed chilly and hard.

He saw Elle walking towards him and kept his gaze on the floor, but he looked up when he spoke his name and felt almost overwhelmed with relief and gratitude when he saw no anger or hatred on her face. It was probably because she didn't know about Cal, but it was a look he didn't expect to see on any colleague's face but David's ever again.

"Ethan, can I borrow you for a minute?" she said. "I need someone to…" She stopped. "Is everything all right?"

"I… I…" Ethan couldn't find the words.

"Ethan is unwell and he's going home," said David.

Elle patted his arm in a friendly sort of way. "Hope you feel better soon. Does Cal know?"

Ethan's eyes filled with tears. He tried to keep them back, but they overflowed. He took of his glasses and dashed them away, but more fell. "We had a fight," he said, his chest hurting with the effort of holding back sobs. He didn't want to tell her; he couldn't bear for her to hate him too, but he couldn't stop the words any more than he could stop the tears. "I pushed him. He fell down the stairs."

The sympathy on Elle's face faded. "When did you last have a drink, Ethan?"

Ethan couldn't speak. Elle obviously thought he was some sort of out-of-control drunk because that was how he'd behaved since she'd joined the ED. She'd seen him pouring it down his throat and giggling and then practising his salsa on the tables and she thought that was the real Ethan. David had seen who he really was, but not Elle.

"Okay, I don't really have time for this now," said Elle. "But I will need to discuss this with Mrs Beauchamp. She doesn't go to the pub so she hasn't seen you, but I'm concerned."

"I don't think that's the-" began David, but his voice was too quiet and Elle was already out of earshot.

Ethan took several short, jerky breaths as David rubbed his shoulder. "I want to see Cal."

A look of concern came into David's eyes. "Mrs Beauchamp said…"

"I don't care!" cried Ethan. "He's my brother. I want to see him."

David looked torn, but then he nodded and led Ethan towards the nurse's station. Ethan hung back and tried to stop crying while David spoke to Charlie. Ethan was glad it was Charlie: he could often be persuaded to bend the rules. Rita would never have allowed it and Robyn would probably have applied to Rita, but Charlie knew his patients were individuals and not just a set of symptoms or behaviours. He understood that sometimes giving someone what they needed was more important than obeying the rules.

At first, Charlie's body language suggested a flat refusal. He shook his head and held up his hands, palms outwards. His expression was uncompromising. Ethan didn't hold out much hope. David was kind and understanding but not eloquent.

Then Charlie's shoulders lifted and he heaved a deep sigh, and he followed David to where Ethan was waiting. "Okay, Ethan. I'll take you to Cal's room and I'll ask him to see you, but if he says no again, we can only respect that."

Ethan nodded faintly. He knew he was lucky even to get that much. "I didn't mean to hurt him," he whispered as he and David followed Charlie.

"I don't suppose you did, Ethan," said Charlie. "But you and Cal have been through a lot recently. But we've got to provide a safe, calm and reassuring atmosphere for the patients. If you and Cal can't do that, then perhaps one of you does need to take a break."

Ethan wanted to say that Cal was getting a break. He would need time to recover from his injuries. But that only reminded Ethan that he had been the one to inflict them and from that point, he could say nothing. He managed to keep his tears back as they walked, but he was trembling with fear.

But Ethan needed to see Cal with his own eyes and know his brother was alive and not the still, crumpled figure he had seen lying on the stairs. He needed to know that he was still his brother; that he still looked and spoke and thought like Cal.

He wanted to throw himself into Cal's arms and beg his forgiveness and apologise for everything. For the stupid fears and beliefs that had held him back from admitting the truth. For his absolute terror that if he stopped for one moment, he would realise he was nothing. For his need to have something solid and concrete to hold onto. For his desperation to become another person: to become more like Cal, the brother who did not carry the gene.

David's hand moved slowly up and down Ethan's arm. Ethan turned his head and caught David's concerned but supportive gaze. He wanted to say how much it meant to him that David was here.

His mouth moved and finally the sound came with it. "Thank you," he whispered. It wasn't enough. It was only two words that were said so many times every day, with such varying meanings. Often more an acknowledgement than an expression of gratitude – or perhaps something else entirely.

"You're welcome," David whispered back. He smiled: a smile that was probably intended to give Ethan strength.

Ethan wanted to cry again, but for a different reason this time. He'd lost his brother; his job; his self-respect; his life. But he still had someone who cared about him and believed in him.

Charlie stopped walking and Ethan realised they were there. He felt his heart speed up as his trembling intensified. The corridor began to blur in front of him: Charlie was nothing but a dark blue stain on a sea of whiteness. Charlie went into Cal's room. The door clicked shut and Ethan heard the murmur of voices, unable to pick out the words until rang out clearly above the others. A shout.

"No!"


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm sorry I didn't update this for ages. I'd already written the ending and I wasn't sure how to get from the end of Chapter 3 to the end. I'm not really happy with it, but I really don't know what else I can do with it and it obviously wasn't what the requester wanted so I just wanted to get it finished really. This is the final chapter._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm quite disappointed we haven't seen Ethan and David together - Ethan is so good with patients who struggle to communicate so I can imagine him being kind to David too. And vice-versa, as happens here! Thank you for your review.

 **EDSidekick** , thank you for your review. I love how good David is at reading his patients and I'd love to see him developing bonds with his colleagues through this side of his character. I have the feeling Elle hasn't made much effort to get to know the others - she's new and fighting to stay above water and there's so much she's completely failed to take in. I think she showed with Charlie that she's more aware of what's wrong than what's right.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. It is difficult for Cal. He's quite seriously hurt and won't be able to work (or date!) for a while and that's going to be upsetting even if he is 100% sure it's an accident. But if Ethan can forgive him Cal for deliberately taking his money, perhaps Cal can forgive Ethan for an accident.

 **ETWentHome** , you've summed everything up perfectly - Ethan's lost everything, including the only person who might be able to change his mind and it would take a miracle. I've completely written myself into a corner, but you've reminded me why I enjoyed getting this far!Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I'm afraid you might be right about Ethan doing something silly - I'm sure whatever he does will seem logical to him, but if you can't think straight, then logic doesn't really work! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm not sure it is strange to feel more sorry for Ethan - Cal has some bad injuries, but they're all injuries he can recover from and he, unlike Ethan, has a lot of support. I think it can be harder to recover from something you did than something that was done to you.

 **CBloom2** , it will be difficult for Ethan to make amends. If Cal won't see him, Ethan can't apologise and Cal won't see how sorry he is. I think Charlie knows, but probably no-one else. I have no idea if anyone apart from Cal knows in the series, though Charlie might know as he knows everything! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , my impression is that Elle doesn't know very much about any of her colleagues - it doesn't seem to be her priority. To an extent she's right as it's more important to save lives than make friends, but it's a disadvantage having no friends at work. What was your theory? I wish I had one! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to_ xEmmaPevensiePendragonx _and **el spirito** for the follows._

* * *

"No!" It was Ethan's turn to scream the word now. He could hear himself sobbing. His trainers pounded on the hard floor as he ran, but everything seemed disconnected from him including his feelings and that was wrong.

He wanted to feel pain. He had to feel pain because he'd hurt Cal.

Ethan reached the top of the stairs. For a horrible moment, the stairs seemed to swing up to meet him. He closed his eyes and felt someone grab him by the arms and pull him back to safety.

Ethan collapsed. He pressed his hands against his ears and rocked from side to side, moaning. He knew someone was holding him; trying to comfort him, but it wouldn't work.

Ethan was the bad brother. He was the violent brother: he always had been. He'd punched Cal when he'd hurt Lily. He'd been the first to attack when they'd fought after Taylor's arrest and, more recently, in the staff room. Ethan was the one who got drunk and did stupid things too – or perhaps they both did, but Cal sought warmth and love and human comfort. Ethan just wanted to prove to himself and everyone else that he was happy.

But he hadn't been happy.

He also hadn't been Ethan.

Cal was right. Cal was the intelligent brother too. He'd seen how things really were.

Ethan felt David's arms around him. They were strong and reassuring, but David wasn't his brother.

"Ethan." That was Charlie's voice. "You need to go home."

Home.

He would have to move out. He couldn't expect Cal to live with him again and Cal needed to be close to the hospital. He would work there once he was better, but Ethan would never work there again.

Ethan felt David lifting him. His knees straightened and somehow, Ethan was on his feet.

He took a step forward, but the world didn't look right. It was moving from side to side and it was darker than it should be. Ethan decided he must be feeling faint and he tried to breathe deeply, but he could only take in small amounts of air. After that, his lungs seemed to stop and all Ethan could do was to release the little air that was inside him and try another breath, but that also got stuck and the world was still spinning.

"Ethan?" Charlie sounded worried. "David, he needs to sit down."

Ethan took a step forward, but there was nothing there. Just empty air and that felt right. That was all he deserved.

He lifted his other foot and waited for the fall.

* * *

Ethan awoke in bed.

It wasn't his bed. It was much smaller than his bedroom and there was something sticking into his arm that hurt. It felt almost as though he was being poked with something sharp. He tried to see what it was, but someone had taken his glasses off.

"Ethan, do you remember what happened?" asked a voice from beside his bed.

Ethan started to say no; that he couldn't remember falling asleep, but then it came back to him.

Cal had fallen. Ethan had pushed him.

Tears burned his eyes. "Cal…"

A hand touched his arm and a voice spoke. A gentle, measured voice that sounded familiar and yet alien. "Cal's going to be all right, Ethan."

Ethan put his hand over his mouth but couldn't stifle a sob.

"You shouldn't have done it, Ethan, and I'm afraid I will have to suspend you – but I think you really need the time off."

Ethan squinted and tried to see who was speaking. It was a woman. It wasn't either of his mothers. It wasn't Honey. Who was it?"

She spoke again. "But if I said I'd never wanted to push Dr Knight down the stairs, I'd be lying."

Ethan began to sob. "I didn't mean to push him. Not down the stairs. I wanted to push him away from me and his ankle gave way."

The woman stroked his arm. "It's all right, Ethan. It was an accident. You'll need to stay down here for a while – you actually fell on the stairs yourself, though David was there to catch you – but when you're a little bit better, we can put you in a wheelchair and take you up to see Cal."

Ethan sniffled. "Cal doesn't want to see me."

"He was asking for you," said Connie.

Ethan swallowed a sob and tried to be glad Cal wanted to talk to him. But that didn't mean Cal was happy. How could he be happy?

"He is upset," said Connie. "I'm not going to lie to you. But he heard some of the commotion you caused – you two brothers cause more trouble than the patients – and he asked if you were all right."

"He was probably hoping I wasn't," sniffed Ethan. "Either that or he wants the pleasure of killing me himself." He began to sob again.

Connie kept her hand on Ethan's arm. "I wouldn't let you see Cal if that was likely to be the case. I have to leave you now because unlike some doctors, I have work to do, but I'm going to send David with you, okay?"

* * *

They were here.

Ethan was in his wheelchair. He couldn't see much. His glasses had broken when he'd fallen.

David bent down beside the wheelchair so Ethan could see him. He gave Ethan a hug, which Ethan, rather to his surprise, returned and appreciated.

David wheeled Ethan into the room and right up to the bed. Cal was a blur, but he still looked smaller than Ethan had expected. He had a vague impression of IV lines and bandages.

There was something white on Cal's head. A bandage. It looked as though one of his arms was in a sling. A blurry lump in the end of the bed suggested his ankle was elevated.

Ethan's eyes filled. "Cal, I'm so sorry."

"Ethan." Cal's injured arm moved slightly. He winced and held out his other hand instead.

Ethan reached out a shaky hand to meet it and a small sob escaped his lips. "I really am so sorry."

"It's not your fault," said Cal.

"Yes, it is! I pushed you."

"And then I fell over my feet," said Cal. "It's not your fault I insisted on having a difficult conversation with you right next to the stairs."

Ethan felt tears wetting his cheeks. "I should have listened to you. You were right."

"I shouldn't have got so annoyed with you," said Cal. "However tough it is for me to know my little brother has Huntington's, it's nothing in comparison with what you're feeling."

"It's tough for both of us," sniffed Ethan.

David rubbed his back and put a tissue into his hand.

"Dave, mate, could I have a minute alone with my brother?" said Cal.

"It's David." David paused. "Caleb."

Cal laughed. "Fair enough, David. Do you think you could give us a minute? Thanks for looking after him."

David squeezed Ethan's shoulder and bent close, making eye contact. Ethan nodded through his tears. David nodded too and left the room.

"So, just to check I haven't misheard," said Cal. "Did you say something about me being right?"

"Yes," whispered Ethan.

Cal squeezed his hand. "Don't worry. I'm sure it won't happen often."

Ethan wiped his eyes. "I don't want to be like you, Cal."

"Well, thanks a lot!" said Cal, but he was smiling.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"

"It's okay," said Cal. He kept hold of Ethan's hand. "I know what you mean."

More tears streamed down Ethan's cheeks. "I don't want to get drunk all the time! I don't want to dance the salsa! And I want to give Lily the change!"

"You can do all of that," said Cal. "Or not do it. Whatever you want."

"I'm just so scared," sobbed Ethan. "I don't want to think about it. Any of it. I don't want it to be true, Cal! I want it all to go away. And it does go away when I'm drunk. But the rest of the time, I'm just pretending. I'm just doing things and then I keep doing things until I'm too tired to do anymore because it's when I stop that I start thinking and it hurts and I'm so scared!"

Cal used his good arm to push himself up into a sitting position. He put his arm around his brother. "It's okay to be scared, Ethan. Anyone would be."

Ethan hid his face in Cal's chest. "I didn't want Mum to look down on us and see I was unhappy. Or Mum. I wanted them both to see me enjoying life. I don't want her to blame herself for giving me the gene."

"You can enjoy life," said Cal. "Just decide what you want to do – it can be as nerdy and as geeky as you like – and I'll help you. You're not going to be happy all the time because no-one is, but you can still be happy, Nibbles."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," wept Ethan into Cal's chest. "I didn't mean for you to fall."

Cal stroked his hair. "I know, Nibbles. I know."

"I felt like I was the one falling," sobbed Ethan. "And falling and falling and falling…"

"But now I've caught you," said Cal. "I'll always catch you. Just like you've always caught me." He held Ethan till he'd stopped crying.

"Are you okay?" asked Ethan belatedly, once he'd dried his tears.

Cal smiled and ruffled Ethan's hair. "I'm fine now I've got my little brother back."

"You don't need more pain relief?" said Ethan anxiously. "You don't feel sick or dizzy?"

"I'm fine."

Ethan found he was leaning close to Cal and looking into his eyes to check his doctor hadn't missed anything. "Why don't you hate me?"

Cal smiled. "I was angry at first. Even when I asked to see you, I was still angry. But you're still my brother and once the anger faded, all I could think about was how awful you must feel. Then you walked in and I saw the state of you. I couldn't even be slightly angry then."

"I really am so sorry, Cal. For pushing you. For getting angry when you were trying to help. For not admitting you were right."

"For trying to be more like me?" said Cal teasingly.

"Well, there is only one Cal," said Ethan. "The imitation didn't come close."

Cal nodded. "And there's only one Ethan. And I've missed him."

"He's back now," said Ethan. "And I'm suspended for a week, so I'll be able to look after you."

"Brilliant!" said Cal happily. "I love it when Nibbles looks after me." His face became serious. He took Ethan's hand in his. "And we can talk, Ethan. We can talk about how you really want to spend the rest of your life."


	5. Chapter 5

_I've been thinking about writing another chapter of this for a while - but of course, it's turned out to be at least two chapters. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to write more of this._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I think it's natural to worry about Cal taking advantage of Ethan - that is what Cal does sometimes, unfortunately! But at the moment, Ethan is probably just glad Cal has forgiven him. Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , Ethan didn't fall as far as Cal as David was there to catch him, but in a weird way, I think it made Ethan feel a bit better. Ethan is arguably the most caring doctor in the ED - if I had to go to the ED, I'd want Ethan to look after me, and not just because he's gorgeous! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I did try writing one more chapter, but as I said above, it didn't quite work! I'm sure Ethan tells himself he drinks to have fun because he wants to make the most of his life, but I wonder if fear of the future does come into it.

 **EDSidekick** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you liked the chapter. I think I was worried because I wrote the end before the beginning and I was very aware of where the join was. I hope I can continue the themes in the next couple of chapters, with Ethan gradually deciding what he wants.

 **CBloom2** , I enjoyed writing Ethan and David together - I'm not sure they've even spoken in the show, which I think is a shame. I think Ethan would be a great support to David, and David would understand instinctively how Ethan was really feeling. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I'm not sure I could write a story that ended with Cal and Ethan hating each other! It would be an interesting challenge, but I'm not sure how much fun it would be to write. I do love happy endings and there aren't all that many in Casualty. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I think most of the staff of the ED have been more trouble than the patients at times, but Cal and Ethan are definitely two of the worst/best. I'm not sure I've seen anyone else having a physical fight! I wouldn't mind seeing Connie and Rita mud-wrestling though.

 **Depressed-And-Cool** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you enjoy my stories. I hope you enjoy the continuation of this one.

 **ETWentHome** , I think terrible events can tear you apart or bring you together. I think it can go either way with Cal and Ethan! Luckily, it went the right way in my story. I'm glad you like the way I wrote David - he isn't in this chapter, but I'll have to bring him back into the story somehow. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan stood outside their block of flats, waiting. It was warm and slightly muggy and Ethan was beginning to wish he'd worn a slightly thinner shirt and trousers - but nothing would have made him go back inside and change. He had to be there when Cal arrived. He doubted Cal would be able to get inside without Ethan's help and besides, Ethan _wanted_ to be there.

Finally, the taxi rounded the corner. Ethan walked to meet it and was forced to jump aside hurriedly when he was nearly run over. The only small consolation about this embarrassing escapade was that Cal was looking slightly amused when Ethan opened the passenger door for him, having already collected the wheelchair from the boot.

"Ready?" said Ethan. He was determined to do this with as little fuss as possible. He held out his hand.

Cal looked embarrassed. "Sorry. I need more help than that."

"Okay," said Ethan, though his heart was aching with misery. He reached into the car and put one arm around Cal, supporting his brother carefully as he stepped out onto his good foot.

Ethan tried to hold him upright, but Cal was tall, muscular, and heavier than Ethan was expecting. The shock of taking so much of his weight tipped Ethan off-balance, but he managed to right himself and Cal at the last minute, saving them both from falling.

 _If only I could have stopped him from falling last time_ , thought Ethan sadly as he helped Cal into the wheelchair.

He lifted his head to find Cal watching him, an anxious expression in his eyes. "I hope this won't be too much for you."

Ethan's hand left one of the wheelchair handles and rested briefly on Cal's shoulder. "Of course it won't be too much. I want to do this." How could he find this too much when one day, Cal would be doing the same for him - and more besides?

"Okay, but if you start getting tired, I want you to stop," said Cal seriously. "And if I'm asking too much of you, say so." He smiled. "I want to look after you too."

"There'll be plenty of time for that," said Ethan, unable to stop his voice from trembling.

Cal twisted his head round so he could see Ethan. "You don't know that, Ethan. There might be a cure by then."

Ethan blinked back tears and started to push the wheelchair across the car park. He'd had no trouble when he'd tested out the wheelchair in the hospital a couple of days ago, but it was much harder on the tarmac. Even the short journey to the entrance of he building made Ethan's arms and shoulders ache - but he didn't complain. He would never complain.

"But when it happens, I want to be able to do everything right for you," Cal was saying seriously. "So I'm going to need all the practice I can get."

Ethan swallowed hard before trusting his voice. "Practice does make perfect, Cal. But for the next couple of days, I don't want you to do anything. You need to take it easy like Mrs Beauchamp said."

"Well, I wouldn't dare disobey Mrs Beauchamp!" said Cal. "But seriously, Nibbles. I want to look after you the best I can – and I'm lucky because I'm going to learn from the best. I'm going to learn from you. Ethan?" Cal tried to twist his head around, but his face creased with pain and he was forced to turn his head back. Ethan, are you crying?"

"No!" said Ethan firmly. "I'm not."

* * *

Ethan carried the tray carefully into Cal's room. His arms still ached, but he knew he was going to have to get used to it. Cal couldn't get into and out of his wheelchair without help - at least not without risking falling onto the floor and causing himself further injury - and that meant he needed Ethan.

Cal was waiting, sitting propped up against the pillows. He smiled when he saw Ethan. It was a shadow of his usual smile, but a smile all the same and Ethan returned it as he put the tray carefully on Cal's lap.

"Thanks, Ethan," said Cal. "That looks good."

It was only sandwiches, but Cal sounded genuinely appreciative.

Ethan moved the wheelchair out of the way and climbed onto the bed beside Cal. "Mrs Beauchamp did recommend healthy meals, but I've got something a bit more exciting planned for dinner." He took one of the plates from the tray and rested it on his lap.

Cal looked concerned. "Don't go exhausting yourself, will you?"

"I won't," promised Ethan. For one thing, if he exhausted himself, Cal would suffer. And Cal had already suffered enough.

"So, have you made those phone calls we talked about?" asked Cal.

Ethan felt a rush of warmth and gratitude. Cal was in severe pain, but he was still thinking of Ethan. The next time Ethan thought about how selfish Cal was, perhaps he should remember this moment. "I phoned the salsa place, but I can't get a refund. They said they'd have done it if you'd injured yourself in one of their classes, but as it happened somewhere else, it's not their responsibility. It's okay though. I wasn't expecting a refund and they were really nice about it."

"You could always finish the term as you've paid," said Cal. "I'm not saying you should keep going forever if you're not keen, but I think it's been good for you. I think I'd actually not be embarrassed to be seen in a club with you now."

Ethan considered. "Maybe." He wouldn't be able to go to the next couple of classes because he'd be looking after Cal – but maybe salsa wasn't all bad. He'd only decided to do it because Cal was such a good dancer and he wanted to be more like Cal, but he didn't hate it. There were just things he enjoyed more. "Maybe you could come with me."

Cal patted his arm. "I don't want to make you feel guilty, Ethan, but I won't be dancing for a while."

Emotion squeezed in Ethan's chest and he fought back another wave of tears. "I'm sorry, Cal. I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that!" said Cal.

"I'm s-" Ethan caught Cal's eye and stopped.

Cal sighed and the annoyance drained from his face. He put his hand on Ethan's arm. "It was an accident, Ethan. It's not your fault I fell over my own feet."

Ethan knew it was, but he nodded and tried to smile. "As long as you don't think it's your fault."

"It was an accident," said Cal. He patted Ethan's arm. "Besides, do you know what this means?"

"No," said Ethan miserably.

"It means that for the next few weeks, you are officially the best dancer in the Hardy-Knight family!" said Cal.

Ethan really couldn't feel happy about that, but Cal was smiling so he did his best to smile too.

"What about Lily?" asked Cal. "Did you phone her?"

Ethan shook his head, fighting a blush. "Not yet. I've been busy with housework." This had included clearing a space on Cal's floor big enough for Ethan to push his wheelchair over to the bed.

"Why don't you phone Lily now?" Cal wasn't giving up.

"She... um... she might be working."

"Then you can call back later," said Cal.

Ethan hesitated, trying to think of another excuse. "I'd really like to see her in person."

Cal leered. "I bet you would! She's not my type, but you can't say she isn't gorgeous! But that's easily sorted out, Nibbles. If you want to see Lily, ask her to come over."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Ethan called through the bathroom door.

"I'm… fine," said Cal. He sounded like he was in pain.

"I can come in and help you if you like," said Ethan.

"No! I'm fine!" said Cal sharply. He'd allowed Ethan to wheel him as far as the bathroom door, but he'd refused to let his little brother inside the room with him. Ethan hadn't argued. He'd seen the look of deep humiliation on Cal's face when Ethan had offered to help him into the bathroom and had silently told himself never to ask that question again. He knew that only desperation would let Cal ask for Ethan's help now.

"Okay," said Ethan. He considered adding: _take your time_ , but he was worried that might sound patronising.

He heard another cry of pain that made his heart ache, followed by a groan of frustration. "I can't do it!"

"That's okay," said Ethan. "You've got some really bad injuries. I'll help you. Just pretend I'm David." Ethan knew David had helped Cal a lot in the hospital.

For some reason, this made Cal laugh. "Um, I don't know what impression you've got of me and David, but he never took me to the loo! Come in then. Don't worry: I'm all zipped-up."

Ethan opened the door. Cal was leaning against the wall, his face pale and clammy despite the slight smile on his face.

Ethan went over to him and put his arm around him. "Come on. Lean on me. It's fine."

He helped Cal to hop over to the sink. The hospital had provided crutches as well as the wheelchair, but Cal's wrist wasn't strong enough for him to use them. Ethan stood behind Cal and supported him as he washed his hands. Then he helped Cal to hop over to the towel rail.

"Okay?" said Ethan.

Cal sighed.

"I know," said Ethan sympathetically. "It's no fun at all. But you will get better."

Cal leaned his head against the wall. "I'm sorry, Ethan."

"What for?" asked Ethan gently as he rubbed Cal's back.

"For making such a fuss when it's going to be so much worse for you."

Ethan felt a pang at the reminder, but he ignored it, turning Cal carefully to face him. "Please don't even think about that! You can't compare our situations. I'll probably be frustrated when it happens, but you're in a lot of pain and it's been a shock for you too. I'll have lots of warning." He smiled. "Besides, how do you know I'm not going to make a _much_ bigger fuss than you?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Panicatcasualty123** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you like this story, even though it's sad! The prompt was Cal falling down the stairs, but it's kind of developed beyond that. I didn't intend to make this story funny, but the jokes seemed right somehow, considering Cal and Ethan's relationship.

 **westlife4ever80** , I think the jokes are so much a part of Cal and Ethan's relationship. Ethan doesn't always appreciate Cal's jokes and Ethan's can go right over Cal's head, but I think sometimes they use jokes to help them say what they don't feel comfortable saying, like when Emilie died. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the chapter. I hope you'll like this one too - another character comes into the story here.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. Even though Ethan gets impatient with Cal sometimes, I think he will always be there when Cal can't manage without him and I think he always wants to be there. I think Cal jokes as a coping method: I'm sure he appreciates Ethan's support, but he sometimes finds it hard to say so.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm really happy you like the descriptive passages - I usually concentrate more on the dialogue because I really love writing it, but it seemed quite important in this chapter to describe as much as I could as a lot of things are unspoken. I love that you picked out the line about emotion squeezing in Ethan's chest as I rewrote it about ten times! Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you like it. I really like David as a character and I was really happy to realise I was writing a story which David would fit into perfectly. He won't be around for the next couple of chapters, but I haven't forgotten him. I think he could still help both brothers.

 _Thank you to **Is-there-somewhere-x** for the follow._

* * *

Ethan was on his way to answer the door when he heard the shout. He spun round and hurried into the bedroom, his heart thumping as his mind replayed dreadful images of what might have happened to Cal.

What he found was almost a relief, though he was careful not to show it.

Cal was lying on his bed, his pyjamas sopping wet. The jug Ethan had given him lay on the bed beside him, on its side and empty, its spout digging into Cal's side. Cal lay still, making no attempt to move himself or the jug. His eyes were full of misery as they met Ethan's.

"It's okay," said Ethan. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have got you such a heavy jug. I chose it because it was big, but I think I'd struggle to pour it too if I was in bed, especially if I could only use one hand."

Cal's voice was flat. "I hate being so useless, Ethan. And that's so selfish of me, considering you…"

"I hope I'll be a long way from useless for some time yet – and so will you," said Ethan gently. "You can be useless with money; useless with women; useless with Iwashing up - but in other ways, you'll never be useless. No matter what happens."

A faint look of something like affection entered Cal's eyes. "Thanks, Ethan. You're a good guy. But I am a bit, well, cold."

Ethan smiled. "Don't worry. We'll deal with it together."

"If you're expecting any help from me, Ethan, I'm afraid you're about to be disappointed," said Cal. "And not for the first time."

"It will be easier for me to help you if you co-operate," said Ethan. "And what is that if not working together?"

 _If only I believed a word of what I was saying. If only. I'm talking rubbish: just spouting words in a desperate attempt to comfort Cal when I know that, in his place, I could never be comforted._

The doorbell rang again.

"You'd better get that," said Cal. The corner of his mouth lifted. "It looks like I'm useless at answering the door too."

Ethan hesitated. "Okay, but I'll be right back. You need to get dried off: you must be so uncomfortable and it won't help your injuries." He ran to answer the door, only to find the person had already gone. He dashed out into the corridor and saw Lily waiting beside the lift. "Lily, I'm sorry. I heard Cal shouting and I was worried."

Lily turned and walked towards him. She didn't smile, but there was concern in her voice as she asked: "Is he okay?"

"He's poured a whole jug of water over himself and his bed," said Ethan. "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to move him into my bed for the time being. That will be quicker than changing the sheets. If you could bear with me for a few minutes?"

"Of course," said Lily. "I'm happy to help, but I think perhaps Cal will be uncomfortable with the idea."

"I've a feeling he would be, but thank you very much for offering," said Ethan sincerely. He showed her into the living room. "Um, this way. I'll be as quick as I can."

* * *

Cal was staring up at the ceiling, a defeated look on his face. Ethan swallowed a sudden wave of emotion as he realised that one day, he might be feeling that way. "Okay, Cal. I'm going to help you sit up."

He lifted Cal into a sitting position and pulled his pyjama top over his head before sliding it carefully over his arms. He tried to avoid Cal's eyes. He didn't want to see the embarrassment there.

"Cal, if I support you, can you pull your pyjama bottoms down for me, please?" said Ethan. Pain slammed into his chest as he caught the humiliation on his brother's face, but he quickly busied himself with helping Cal to shuffle to the edge of the bed and then holding him as Cal stood up his good foot. Ethan felt Cal's body trembling with effort and held him more tightly.

"All done," whispered Cal. He cowered away from his brother. Ethan didn't doubt it was as painful for Cal as it was for him.

He helped Cal out of his pyjamas and sat him on a dry part of the bed. Cal was cringing in embarrassment as Ethan helped him to dry himself, but Ethan tried to act as though he wasn't doing anything unusual. He was a doctor, after all.

"There you are," said Ethan. He found Cal some clean pyjamas. "Shall I help you?"

"I can manage," muttered Cal. He sounded close to tears. Ethan turned his back to give him some privacy and to hide the tears in his eyes. His hands clenched as he hoped Cal would manage to put his pyjamas on without help, but he could hear Cal's fast, laboured breathing and the little cries of pain he couldn't quite stifle.

It took longer than it would have done if Ethan had helped, but he waited patiently. When Cal was ready, Ethan brought the wheelchair over and helped him into it.

"I hate this!" said Cal, banging his hands down on the arm-rests and then crying out again as the action jarred his wrist.

Ethan stroked his shoulder. "I know you hate it, but it won't be for long."

"I shouldn't even be saying that!" said Cal, his words almost a moan. His eyes were full of angry tears. "How can I complain about a couple of weeks in a wheelchair when you…"

"But it's different for me," said Ethan gently as he wheeled Cal into his bedroom. "You have your image to consider and although there's absolutely nothing wrong with being in a wheelchair, you're not used to it so you can't quite reconcile it with your strong, independent image yet. But I don't have to worry about things like that. I'm the most uncool person ever, so any change can only be an improvement!"

* * *

"Lily, I'm so sorry," said Ethan, when he finally joined her in the living room.

"It's fine," said Lily. "Cal needed you. I didn't mind waiting."

Ethan picked up his wallet from the table. "I wanted to give you your change. You know, from when I went to the shop and bought you some lunch. When you paid me back, I told you I was keeping the change. That wasn't fair of me and I apologise."

Lily shook her head. "No. I have felt guilty about this for a long time and I should be apologising. I was very rude. I should have thanked you and not complained about the food – though I didn't mean to imply it was your fault it was cold."

"I know. I should have realised that before," said Ethan. "You were obviously preoccupied and only half-listening – which is fine: there's always a lot on my mind too at the end of a shift. So you answered my questions literally without thinking about what I really meant. If you hadn't been so preoccupied, you would certainly have objected when I said I was keeping the change. That should have told me you had something on your mind and I'm sorry I didn't realise that."

"I'm sorry I didn't realise what you were really asking me," said Lily.

Ethan smiled. "How about we forget about it and move on?" He held out the change.

Lily hesitated. "Please keep it, Ethan. I would like you to keep it. And I am very happy to forget about it and move on. How is Cal?"

Ethan smiled. Almost for the first time since Cal's accident, a warmth flower through him and his mood began to lift in the direction of happiness.

He admitted to himself that Lily's abrupt method of changing the subject was actually rather endearing.

* * *

He and Lily were still talking when Ethan heard Cal calling him. He excused himself and hurried into Cal's bedroom before remembering he was in Ethan's room now.

"Is everything okay?" asked Ethan anxiously.

"Yeah, but I need the loo again," said Cal. "And I'm getting a bit hungry. You do know Lily's been here for three hours and it's past dinner time?"

Ethan couldn't believe it. "Three hours?!"

Cal grinned. "Time always passes quickly when you're having fun. I hope you're going to ask Lily to stay to dinner."

"I… um… I hadn't thought of it," said Ethan.

"You don't need to think about it," said Cal. "You just need to do it. Um… Ethan. I'm sorry, but can we go now?" His cheeks were red. "And um, don't bother about being gentle. It's more important to, um, hurry." His face filled with shame. "I… um… I didn't want to interrupt you and Lily, so I… waited."

"It's fine," said Ethan, already dragging Cal across the bed and trying not to wince in sympathy as he saw the signs of pain on Cal's face. He knew Cal would prefer pain to embarrassment. "I can do fast."

"First time for everything, I suppose." Cal's voice was strained, but Ethan tried to feel encouraged by the fact he was joking at all.

* * *

Ethan and Lily stood outside the flats, waiting for Lily's taxi. Cal had encouraged Ethan to drive her home, but Ethan didn't want to leave Cal. He'd only agreed to wait with Lily on condition that Cal promised to phone him if he needed anything.

Ethan wanted to say something to Lily, but he couldn't think what and he had the feeling he didn't need to. It was a comfortable silence, not an awkward one.

Lily lifted a hand to push her hair away from her face. Her arm nudged Ethan's. "Sorry," she murmured and turned to face him. Her voice became abrupt, but he suspected that came partly from the nervousness that flickered in her eyes. "Thank you for a lovely evening, Ethan."

"You were the one who made it lovely," said Ethan. "I mean, not that I wouldn't have had a lovely time with Cal."

"So it wouldn't have made a difference if I was there or not?" said Lily. She sounded curious, not offended, but Ethan still felt terrible.

"No, of course not! I mean, yes, of course! I mean…" Ethan stopped, confused. "You made the evening even lovelier, Lily."

"And so did you," said Lily softly. She put her hand on Ethan's arm, the nervousness now gone as she looked intently into his eyes. "Ethan, what happened to Cal, it was not your fault. It is good to see you caring for him because he needs your help, but it was an accident, Ethan. I know you would never push anyone down the stairs."

"But I do feel guilty," admitted Ethan.

"But there's no need," said Lily. "No need, Ethan."


	7. Chapter 7

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. The old Cal probably wouldn't have given Ethan so much time with Lily! George said in an interview that the writers planned to get Ethan and Lily together, but then they decided they didn't have chemistry. But maybe they'll change their mind. Chemistry is different between every couple and if the writers want more chemistry, they have two very talented actors to work with! I'm glad you like vulnerable Cal and strong Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you still like the story! That's an interesting point - Ethan is being wonderfully supportive and the brothers seem close, but they're both hiding their feelings from each other, which isn't going to help either of them. Perhaps Lily will be able to help them realise this.

 **westlife4ever80** , there aren't many things I don't love about Ethan, but the way he gets flustered and embarrassed so easily is definitely quite high on the list! He's so adorable. Thank you for your review - I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

 **Tanith Panic** , it's good to hear from someone who's been in Cal's situation. Even though Cal is being helped by someone he knows, that actually makes it worse because he's so used to being strong and independent and hates the idea of relying on his little brother. I'm glad you like Lily in this. Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , I'm glad you like my inclusion of Lily and David - Lily is in this chapter too and David will be back in Chapter 8! I'm slightly worried that Lily and David are fulfilling the same function to an extent, but maybe I can sort that out. Ethan probably can't have too much support! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , having read your wonderful stories, I did have an idea you liked vulnerable Cal! I think Cal is a lot more vulnerable than he likes to admit and here he's physically vulnerable too. I agree that Cal and Ethan have no reason to feel guilty, but I don't think they agree! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan almost floated up to the flat. He was smiling as he unlocked the door. He wasn't sure why, but some of the weight on his shoulders had lifted and given him new strength to face whatever lay before him.

But when he heard the sound of crying, he stopped smiling. The desperation returned.

Ethan hurried towards the sound to discover Cal on the kitchen floor. His face was screwed up with pain as he sobbed. Beside him was a smashed cup and a pool of pale liquid.

"Cal?" Ethan crouched down beside him. "Are you hurt?"

With a sob, Cal showed Ethan a red mark on his hand.

It was a burn, but not a serious one. Even so, Ethan sucked in his breath at the sight of it. He knew the burn was hurting, but he knew the reason why it had happened would hurt Cal even more.

"Come on, Cal. We'll hold it under the cold tap for a minute." Ethan knew it wouldn't be easy getting Cal off the floor, but he'd have to do his best. He stood up and slowly bent his knees, keeping his back as straight as he could and his feet flat on the floor. He put his arms around his brother and hugged him close for a moment before speaking softly. "Come on, Cal. You can stand up. It's okay."

He managed to support Cal as he got to his feet – or rather foot – and kept his arms around him as he helped him to hop over to the sink. Cal grabbed the edge of the sink and leaned against it gratefully: the sink was certainly more solid than his admittedly-small brother.

Ethan lifted his hand, intending to turn the tap on for Cal, but he realised just in time that it would be better to let Cal do as much as he could by himself. Doing everything for him would make Cal feel even more useless.

And yet, one day, Cal would be doing everything for Ethan.

Ethan waited, hoping that Cal would be able to do it for himself, but Cal was just clutching on to the side of the sink, tears pouring down his face. Ethan's supporting arms tightened into another hug. "Run it under the cold tap, Cal," he said, his own voice husky with tears now.

Cal sniffed and finally turned on the tap, his movements slow and hesitant. He put his hand under the tap, holding his other hand over his wrist to help protect the cast he was wearing. He'd turned the tap on a bit too much and streams of water flew out, hitting both of them, but Ethan didn't complain as he would usually have done. It seemed unkind and he didn't think he could have spoken through the lump in his throat.

After a while, Cal took his hand away. Ethan passed him some kitchen roll. Cal wet it under the tap and remembered to switch the tap off for once. Cal had trouble wrapping the kitchen roll around his hand, but Ethan helped him, quietly murmuring that it was almost impossible to do it one-handed.

Very gently, Ethan turned Cal to face him. There were tears on his cheeks that he wasn't even attempting to hide. Ethan felt anguish fill his heart. He tore off some more kitchen roll and offered it to Cal. Cal wiped his tears away, flinching slightly as the movement seemed to aggravate his shoulder. Ethan was tempted to do it for him, but he knew Cal wouldn't like that.

 _One day, he'll have to wipe my eyes. And my nose. And my_ … Ethan felt horror threatening to overcome him. He'd met people with terminal illnesses who accepted the indignities and focused on enjoying every little bit of life that remained. Emilie had been like that, at least once she'd realised it wasn't her fault her boys had been taken away. But Ethan had always been shy about asking for an accepting help. He couldn't imagine anyone doing all that for him.

Ethan cleared his throat and managed to find his voice. "Were you trying to make tea?"

Cal nodded tearfully.

Ethan tried to keep his tone non-judgemental. "Why didn't you wait for me?"

"I wanted to make it for you," sniffled Cal.

"That was really nice of you," said Ethan. This was no time for getting impatient with Cal – and Ethan didn't feel impatient in any case. Only sad. "Thank you for thinking of me. But there's no way I'd be able to make tea with your injuries." _And there's no way I'll be able to make tea when... no, don't think of it, Ethan._ "Come on: I'll get your chair for you."

Cal didn't argue. The wheelchair was beside the sofa: Cal must have hopped all the way into the kitchen. Ethan took the brake off and wheeled the chair over to Cal, who was standing on one leg, still holding on to the sink.

"Here you are," said Ethan as he helped Cal to sit down. "It's okay."

Cal didn't seem to agree with that. Or perhaps he was reacting to the shock of what had happened. He hung his head as tears poured down his face.

Ethan wheeled Cal as close to the sofa as he could. He sat beside him and hugged him tightly. "I'm here, Cal. I'm here."

"I hate this," wept Cal. "I feel so useless. So helpless."

"I know," said Ethan softly. "But it won't be forever. I promise."

* * *

Ethan awoke feeling exhausted. He'd had to get up twice in the night to help Cal into the bathroom, but he knew that wasn't why he was so tired. It was more the lying awake, imagining his life as it rushed towards its sad conclusion, that had really got to him.

Cal would get better – but Ethan would only get worse.

The only consolation was that it was Ethan and not Cal. He thought seeing his brother suffer would be even worse than suffering himself.

Ethan reached for his alarm clock and held it close to his face, deciding it wasn't too early to check on Cal. He swung his legs from the bed and was alarmed when a sudden wave of dizziness caused the room to swirl around him. His legs gave way and he sat down hard on the bed. It didn't hurt, but panic filled him: how could he care for Cal if he was ill?

And what would happen when Ethan was helpless and Cal was ill?

But as he sat there, Ethan's fears and heartbeat gradually calmed. He'd probably stood up too quickly. He gave himself a few minutes to breathe deeply and stood again, relieved to discover that the room remained in its proper place and he didn't even feel slightly wobbly as he made his way to Cal's room.

He was quite relieved to discover he was asleep. Perhaps in his sleep, Cal was happy. Ethan had a quick shower and had some breakfast, then he got on with the housework. He'd cleared up the kitchen and re-made Cal's bed last night, but exhaustion had sent him to his own bed not long afterwards.

When the doorbell rang, he almost didn't answer it, but he was glad he had when he realised it was Lily. She hugged him tightly and Ethan was hit by a sudden urge to cry. He felt so tired and afraid.

"Would you like some tea?" he asked shakily.

"I'll make it. You look tired."

"You're my guest," Ethan tried to argue, but he was no match for Lily. He sat on the sofa and got himself fully under control as Lily busied herself in the kitchen. He'd asked her to shout if she had trouble finding anything, but she worked quickly and efficiently with no apparent problems.

"I was wondering if there was anything you needed," said Lily, when she'd returned with two mugs of tea. "I can go shopping at lunchtime, if you prefer."

"That would be really helpful," admitted Ethan. He stared at the wall over Lily's shoulders and swallowed in an attempt to dislodge the lump in his throat.

"Ethan." Lily took his hand. "Everything will be okay. You can cope with this."

Tears welled in Ethan's eyes. "I don't know if I can, Lily. And it's all my fault."

Lily held his hand tightly. "Ethan, you have nothing to feel guilty for."

"Of course I do." Ethan's tears tracked down his cheeks. He wiped them away quickly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay to feel sad," said Lily. "It is sad what has happened to Cal. But it is not your fault."

"Everyone blames me," said Ethan, barely audibly.

Lily shook her head. "I don't think anyone blames you, Ethan. They were shocked and worried about Cal, but they know you. Dr Gardner asked me to go with her and speak to Mrs Beauchamp about your drinking habits. I refused, but I gather Mrs Beauchamp was not interested. I should not repeat gossip, but Robyn overheard Dr Gardner telling Jacob about it. Mrs Beauchamp suggested that Dr Gardner should refrain from reporting her colleagues in future as going on past experience, she's almost certain to be wrong."

"But I blame myself," sniffed Ethan. "I don't know if that will ever go away. I try not to think about it. I know thinking about it won't help. Usually, I'm quite good at not thinking about it. But every so often, it hits me. And it hurts."

Lily pulled Ethan into her arms as he began to cry again.

"And I just keep thinking," sobbed Ethan. "I keep thinking about when our positions are reversed and he's the one helping me. Knowing I'll never get better. Knowing it's only going to get worse."

"Oh, Ethan," whispered Lily. "I wish I could make you feel better. But I will always be here, if you want me to be."

Ethan cried even more because he wanted that more than anything.


	8. Chapter 8

**CBloom2** , Ethan does have a lot to think about! I don't think he really has anything to feel guilty about, but being told that rarely stops the guilt. At least Cal doesn't blame Ethan anymore - that would have been too sad, even for me! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I think it would upset a lot of people if they weren't able to make a cup of tea, but it might be worse in some ways for Cal because it's so important to him to be seen as strong. I don't think Ethan will be getting together with Lily, but I'm very happy to be wrong! Thank you for your review.

 **Is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review. David is back in this chapter! I thought about using David all the way through, but I think he and Lily can support Ethan and Cal in different ways. They're very different - David uses a lot of non-verbal communication, but Lily doesn't.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I included Robyn gossiping as I couldn't imagine Lily eavesdropping and I wanted her to know what had happened - I'm glad it turned out to be quite funny! I'm afraid this is likely to be another sad chapter.

 **ETWentHome** , one thing I enjoy when I write this story is that now the early chapters are over and everyone's stopped panicking about Cal, the only 'bad guys' are Cal's injury and Ethan's illness, so I don't need to write big arguments! I'm glad you like Ethan and Lily's kindness. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the parallels - I was worried they might be a bit obvious, but I don't think Cal and Ethan would be able to help thinking about it in the circumstances. I can see Ethan being a better patient than Cal, but it's going to be so heartbreaking and he must be terrified.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. The burn probably was quite painful, but I think what it symbolised hurt even more. Cal did want to do something nice - Ethan has done so much for him. And Ethan won't be able to help thinking that one day, he won't be able to do anything for Cal.

* * *

Ethan had just said goodbye to Lily when he heard a scream from Cal's bedroom. He hurried into Cal's bedroom to find Cal hunched over in bed.

"Pain…" moaned Cal. "Hurts… Ethan!"

Ethan was battered by even more guilt, but he spoke calmly. "It's time for your painkillers. I'm sure they'll help. Can you hold on for three minutes while I make you some toast?"

Cal whimpered slightly, but he nodded. Ethan squeezed his hand and hurried into the kitchen. He returned three minutes later with dry toast, butter, a knife and a fresh glass of water. He gave Cal half a slice of dry toast and gently reminded him to eat it slowly. When Cal had finished it, Ethan gave him two painkillers and handed him the rest of the toast, which Ethan had now buttered for him.

"Thanks," said Cal. "You're good at looking after me."

Ethan smiled. "Well, apart from all the practice you've given me with all those hangovers, I'm sure training as a doctor helped."

But seeing Cal in pain was different from seeing unknown patients in pain. Seeing Cal in pain hurt Ethan too.

Cal glanced at Ethan. He looked concerned. "Have you been crying?"

"I… I might have cried a little bit when Lily said goodbye," said Ethan.

Cal managed to smile through the pain. "So, you do like Lily."

Ethan tried not to blush. He failed.

"That's brilliant news, Nibbles!" Cal did look happy. "I'll hug you when the painkillers have kicked in."

"There's nothing to celebrate," said Ethan with finality. "And there never will be."

"Ethan…"

"I mean it, Cal." Ethan's voice was firm and his eyes dry. "Lily and I are friends and I don't ever want that to change. In any way."

* * *

Cal was in the bathroom when the knock at the door came. Ethan stayed where he was, wondering what to do. If he didn't answer the door, Lily might go away – for some reason, that thought made his stomach tighten with anxiety – but if he went to answer the door, he would have to explain where Cal was and that would embarrass him.

But what choice did Ethan have?

Ethan tapped lightly on the door. "Cal, I'm just going to answer the door, but I'll come back straight away."

Cal didn't answer.

Panic filled Ethan. "Cal? Are you okay? Please answer me."

"Of course I'm not okay!" Cal shouted back. "I can't walk and I can't even go to the loo without help and now you're going to tell your girlfriend what I'm doing!"

There was another knock at the door. "Cal, I'm really sorry, but Lily will understand," said Ethan. "She's a doctor. And she's not my girlfriend."

Cal muttered something that sounded like: "Just wait till it's your turn."

Ethan felt ice trickling down his spine. Cal was right. It would be his turn one day. Perhaps even sooner than they'd anticipated.

He went to the door and answered it, not knowing if he was relieved or disappointed to see David. He'd been looking forward to seeing Lily, but he was so grateful to David for all his support and he knew Cal was less self-conscious about his physical problems when he was with David.

"Hey, come in," said Ethan, opening the door wide. "It's good to see you, David. Thanks for coming over."

David smiled. "Lily sends her apologies. She's caught up in Resus. She's coming later."

"That's fine. Thank you for letting me know," said Ethan. "I'm terribly sorry, but Cal's in the bathroom and he might need my help. Do you mind if I…"

"Not at all," said David. He touched Ethan's arm reassuringly.

Ethan showed him into the living room and returned to Cal. "It's only David, Cal. Are you ready to come out?"

He heard a loud thump followed by another. Clearly, Cal had decided to hop towards the sink. Ethan found he was literally crossing his fingers, his eyes closed. _Please, Cal. Don't fall over. You'll hurt yourself, which will be bad, and you'll be disappointed in yourself, which will be worse – not that you have anything to be disappointed about, but I know you will be._

He heard the taps running and knew Cal had made it to the sink carefully. Ethan heard a few more thumps, then the door opened.

Ethan smiled. Cal was breathing slightly quickly and his face was flushed from the exertion, but he'd managed it. He put his arm around Cal and took his hand so he could help him into the wheelchair.

Cal snatched his hand away. "I can do it myself, Ethan!"

"Okay," said Ethan softly. He wanted to take the handles of the wheelchair to steady it for Cal, but he knew that wouldn't be welcomed either. He watched helplessly as Cal made one more hop towards the wheelchair and then tried to lower himself into it.

Ethan tried to move, but he wasn't fast enough. As Cal tried to sit down, he lost his balance. He knocked against the wheelchair, which rolled backwards and hit Ethan, causing him to grunt with pain and stagger into the wall, catching his elbow on the doorframe of Cal's bedroom. In the meantime, Cal had hit the ground with a crash and a cry.

Ethan was whimpering and clutching his elbow as he went to Cal, waves of pain travelling up his arm and sending nausea into his throat. He knelt beside Cal, who was sitting on the floor with his head buried in his knees, sobbing.

"Cal, are you hurt?" said Ethan, blinking back tears of his own as he put his arms around his brother, trying to ignore the pain in his elbow.

"What happened?" said a voice, and David sat down beside them.

"It was my fault," said Ethan, his chest aching because it was true. "I forgot to put the brake on Cal's wheelchair. I'm sorry, Cal. I'm so sorry."

David put his hand on Ethan's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "It's easy to make that mistake, Ethan. Have you hurt your arm?"

Tears trickled down Ethan's cheeks. "I hit my elbow on the doorframe. That's all. Cal tried to sit in his wheelchair, but it rolled away and he fell."

David put his arms around both brothers. Ethan let his head drop onto David's shoulder.

"Cal?" said David quietly. "Are you hurt?"

"My foot hurts," said Cal. "And my wrist."

David's voice was very calm. "I'll have a look at them, Cal. Ethan, can you wait for me in the living room?"

Ethan nodded and got to his feet. He stumbled into the living room and curled up on the sofa, trying to take up as little space as possible. He didn't want to exist anymore. He was stupid and careless. He wasn't fit to look after Cal. Even David knew that: that was why he'd sent Ethan away. He could still feel a vague pain in his arm, but he didn't care. He deserved it. If he'd looked after Cal properly instead of letting himself getting distracted by thoughts of Lily…

Ethan's head dropped onto the cushion as he cried harder, his sobs almost wails. His hands clenched into fists and he punched uselessly at the cushions. Here he was, relying on Cal to take care of him one day, and he couldn't do the same for Cal. He was such a terrible brother. As bad a brother as he'd been a son. He hadn't even gone to Emilie's funeral…

He pressed his head harder into the cushions and wished he could suffocate.

But he didn't.

* * *

Ethan wasn't sure how much later it was when David touched his shoulder. It seemed like hours; days, but it was likely to have been no more than five or ten minutes. The cushion felt soaking wet from the tears Ethan was still shedding and he was in dire need of a tissue, but the box was halfway across the room and he would have to get up and walk and even though that would be much easier for him than it would be for Cal, he couldn't imagine moving again.

David rubbed between Ethan's shoulder blades, then he moved his hand and Ethan had the impression that he was moving away. More tears filled his eyes and he sniffled noisily in between helpless sobs.

David put his hand on Ethan's shoulder again and then touched his hand, pushing something soft into it. It felt like a tissue. Ethan peeped at it with one teary eye before using it to wipe his nose. "Thank you," he said, his voice hoarse from crying.

David's hand was moving up and down Ethan's back. It comforted him a little, but it didn't change anything. "Cal's okay. He's in bed. He turned his injured ankle and landed on his injured wrist, but it seems to be settling down, though we'll keep an eye on it and see how it goes."

"It's my fault," sobbed Ethan. He was glad Cal wasn't too badly hurt. He really was. But that didn't change what had happened – or what would happen.

David stroked Ethan's hair. "He knows it wasn't your fault."

"Of course it was!" cried Ethan.

David shook his head, his expression gentle but very sure. "Can you sit up?"

Ethan lifted his head slightly. He'd done so much wrong. It seemed a small thing that David was asking. He wiped his nose again and tried to wipe his eyes, only to discover he still had his glasses on. He knew he could take them off, but what would that achieve? What would any of it achieve? He let his head fall back onto the cushions and cried some more.

David stroked his arm. "It wasn't your fault, Ethan."

"It was my fault. I should have put the brake on! But I forgot!" Ethan's voice rose to a wail. "It's happening already. I can't do this, David!" Ethan closed his eyes, sending tears cascading down his cheeks. "I can't care for my brother!"


	9. Chapter 9

_If ever I don't reply to your reviews on here, it means failed to deliver an email alert about it. I found a couple I hadn't seen when I happened to look at the reviews page. I would never deliberately ignore anyone's review unless it was one of those spam ones with a dodgy link! I'm sorry to anyone I've inadvertently ignored._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm sure Cal does appreciate the help. He's annoyed with himself for needing help, but I don't think he's really annoyed with Ethan for providing it. He'd better not be anyway! Thank you for your review.

 **casualty the facts** , thank you for your review - I'm really glad you enjoyed the story so far so I hope you'll be back to read the rest! I'm glad you like the jokes - even though it's a sad story, I think jokes are a big part of how Cal and Ethan communicate. I'm really hoping no-one will die! I really hope you're wrong about Lily and I'm not sure they would kill Connie off, but things don't look too good for Grace - which is a shame as Emily Carey has been wonderful. Maybe Glen will die too - he could sacrifice himself for Robyn somehow.

 **Panicatcasualty123** , thank you for your review. It is sad to write about Ethan feeling so guilty and Cal pushing him away. Cal's so bad at accepting help - except when he gets in a complete mess and begs for Ethan to rescue him! I'm really happy you like the way I write David. I love watching him, but he is difficult to write!

 **CBloom2** , story or not, I think Ethan would probably be really grateful if you would give him a hug! Cal might like one too, for that matter. I'm so glad you're enjoying this and I hope you'll like this chapter too. Thank you for your review.

 **Mills2808** , I'm so sorry - I have a horrible feeling I've ignored your last review as I didn't get an email alert. I only found your reviews because I happened to look at the reviews page. So thank you for both your reviews and I'm really glad you're enjoying this. It's very interesting what you said that Ethan might fear that Cal won't be able to look after him - I hadn't thought of that. It's a very reasonable concern for Ethan to have.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you liked it, even though you found it sad. I think Cal probably is worried about burdening Ethan - he has so much to worry about already. I love David - he never talks for the sake of it and I can imagine that's very comforting. And when he speaks, you know he means it.

 **20BlueRoses** , I hope Ethan misheard too - he's not in the calmest frame of mind at the moment. Though if Cal did say it, he wouldn't have meant it and he'd be horrified to know Ethan heard. It would be terrible - though realistic - if they had a row when they need each other so much. I'll try to keep them together! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan didn't know what the time was. He had no idea how long he'd been crying. All he knew was that David had been there.

He'd only left him now to see if Cal needed anything. He had to check on him because Ethan wasn't capable anymore.

He hadn't said that, but Ethan knew.

Pain lanced through him as he thought of what had happened. In his mind, he saw Cal falling. He'd fallen twice now and both times, it had been Ethan's fault. Cal insisted the first time was an accident, but perhaps he was wrong. Huntington's sometimes affected your emotions. Perhaps that was why Ethan had been so angry. He remembered the feeling inside him again as they'd argued at the top of the stairs. He remembered the hardness of Cal's chest against his hands. He heard the sound of Cal's feet as he staggered backwards, off-balance from Ethan's unexpected strength.

It was his fault. David was wrong. They were all wrong.

Ethan let his head fall forward onto his knees as he sobbed, his tears soaking his trousers but he couldn't make himself care. What did any of it matter? Soon enough, he wouldn't be able to wipe his tears away at all, so why should he bother now?

He continued to cry, his sobs, soft and rhythmic. It was a bit like a countdown really. Every sob brought him one step closer to the future he dreaded but also to the death he was beginning to long for.

There was another sound too, which he couldn't quite identify. Somewhere between a bang and a tap. He had a feeling it would have been important once, but not now. He heard another sound, perhaps footsteps and thought David was coming back to him. Ethan knew he would worry to find him like this, but that wasn't enough to stop him from crying. He couldn't have stopped even if he'd tried.

He heard voices, then more footsteps. Two voices, but he couldn't recognise either of them. Neither was Cal's. He couldn't work out who they were. It didn't matter anyway.

"Ethan?!"

Ethan stopped sobbing. There was such alarm and distress in the voice. He knew it was useless and he wouldn't be able to do anything to help, but something was compelling him to look up.

He lifted his head from his knees. Without his glasses and with his eyes further blurred by tears, all he had was an impression of someone wearing back, but he knew it was Lily.

She sat beside him and arms were wrapped firmly around him. "Oh, Ethan," Lily murmured softly as she stroked his hair. "It's not your fault. It really isn't your fault."

More tears coursed down Ethan's cheeks.

"It was an accident," said Lily. "Many people forget to put the brake on a wheelchair. More than once."

"I'm a doctor," sniffled Ethan, but he felt like he was lying. Once you stopped doing your job, you couldn't describe yourself by your job title anymore. He could use Dr as a title because he had a medical degree, but that wouldn't make him a doctor.

"You are a doctor in an ED," said Lily. "Your medical knowledge might put you at an advantage when it comes to caring for someone, but it is still a new role for you - one you are not trained for - and one anyone would struggle to adapt to, emotionally as well as physically. When Cal cared for your mother, he came to the ED with a dislocated shoulder. I believe your mother was not a tall woman. Cal is very strong and he is trained in how to lift patients safely. He ought to have been able to carry her safely, but he was not used to the role, so he made a mistake."

Ethan knew she had a point, but all he could do was sob.

"Ethan. It was not your fault and I know you can continue to care for your brother."

"But for how long?" burst out Ethan, lifting his wet face from his knees.

Lily offered him a tissue. "For a while, I would have thought. You are showing no symptoms that I can see. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets things." She put the tissue into his hand. "Here."

Ethan moved it slowly towards his nose, aware that his hands were shaking. He watched them with terror, wondering if now would be the time when they shot out, beyond his control, and punch him… or worse, _Lily_?

"Ethan, you are trembling because you are upset and afraid," said Lily. "That is all."

Ethan wiped his nose. The trembling made it difficult and he did it a bit more roughly than usual, but he managed. He knew that was good. He knew he should be happy he could still wipe his nose, but he didn't want to live a life where something so simple, so basic, could be an achievement. "What if it isn't? What if it is a symptom?"

"It is not a symptom," said Lily.

"One day it will be," whispered Ethan as more tears spilled from his eyes.

Lily rubbed his back very gently. "One day, Ethan, we will all have symptoms. We will all reach a stage where we have to give things up. When we struggle to remember. It will probably happen sooner for you and that is tragic and unfair, but that doesn't change all the things you can do now. It doesn't change the fact you do and will have a future. You might not have the future you originally hoped for – but that his not guaranteed for anyone. Knowing it will stop is no reason to stop now. It could be ten, twenty, even thirty years from now."

Ethan put his head back on his knees. "But it's happening now. That's why I'm so bad at caring for Cal."

"Of course you're not bad at caring for Cal." Lily's voice was sharp.

Startled, Ethan lifted his head again.

"You are very capable, Ethan. More so than most. One mistake does not make you inadequate. This mistake makes you a better carer because now you will be less likely to make the same mistake again."

Ethan sniffled. "But what if I do make the same mistake again?"

"Then you must forgive yourself and continue with caring for your brother," said Lily. "Because I know you can, Ethan. David knows you can. _Cal_ knows you can."

"I can't!" sobbed Ethan.

"Yes, you can!" said Lily forcefully. "Ethan, I am very sympathetic towards you. I know you must be scared and unhappy and those are horrible feelings. I know you feel guilty. There is no reason for that, but that doesn't always stop the guilt. I don't doubt it is very hard. But Cal is lying in his bed now. I want you to go to him and care for him. Partly for yourself to help you believe in yourself again. But partly for Cal because he needs his brother."

"He needs someone better than me."

"Ethan, there is no-one better than you," said Lily. "You're kind and caring and you love him. You're going to come with me and face Cal and overcome your mistake."

Ethan trembled. "I'm scared, Lily. What if I make another mistake?"

"It is likely you will because you are human," said Lily. "But most of the time, Ethan, you will not make mistakes. Most of the time, you will get things right. But right now, sitting out here and crying, you are making a mistake. More than one mistake. You are making the mistake of thinking your life is over when it is not. You are making the mistake of thinking your symptoms have started, which is almost certainly not true. You are making the mistake of thinking there's nothing you can do for Cal, when you are still very capable of helping him. You are making the mistake of staying away from your brother when he needs you. The mistake with the wheelchair is small in comparison because that was an accident. Everything else is a choice. But all you have to do is choose to go to him now and you will already have got one thing right."

"I can't!" wailed Ethan.

Lily fixed him with a stern gaze. "You can, Ethan. Now, dry your eyes and stop crying. I know you can. It might be difficult to believe, but I know you can do this. I have seen you cry about a patient and then calmly and sensitively inform the relatives what has happened. It is more difficult when it is your brother, but you can do this, Ethan." She touched his shoulder. "And you will do it. I know you will."

Ethan brought the tissue carefully to his nose, watching his hands the whole time. He took a couple of breaths, trying to slow his breathing and dabbed carefully under his eyes, half-afraid he would lose control of his hand and punch himself in the eye, but it didn't happen. The trembling seemed to have abated. Not forever, of course, but for now. His face felt sore from so many tears and he dried it gently, feeling his hands beginning to relax. He breathed in deeply, holding the breath for a moment before releasing it.

"You're okay, Ethan," said Lily. "Now put your glasses on."

Ethan took another breath, feeling the cool air hit the back of his throat. He took his glasses from Lily. Again, a frisson of fear went through him that he might poke himself in the eye, but as soon as the thought had entered his mind, he realised it was unlikely. He hooked the glasses over his ears and placed them on his nose.

The world clicked into focus. He saw Lily's beautiful and worried face. Her eyes looked slightly swollen and he felt an ache in his chest.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly. He touched her arm, his hand landing lightly and gently.

"I am fine," said Lily. "But it is kind of you to care about me. It shows you are a caring person."

"Did something happen at the hospital?" asked Ethan. He felt anxiety pressing hard on his chest, but it wasn't the anxieties that had crippled him before. He took her hand in his and felt it tense for a moment before her fingers curled around his.

Lily looked down at their joined hands as she answered. "A patient with Huntington's. He reminded me of you. He struggled to speak, but his mind was sharp. I walked away admiring him for his strengths."

Ethan stroked her hand. "I can imagine it. My mum was very strong too. Are you okay now?"

"I am fine now. Thank you. But I appreciate your kindness. It helped." Lily paused. "I'm sure you will be admired for your strengths too, Ethan, but you have to use them. Do not give up yet." Her eyes met his. "If you cannot do it for yourself and Cal, please do it for me."

"But what if I can't?" said Ethan. "One day, I won't be able to."

"But today, you can," said Lily. She leaned forward and pressed soft, sweet lips to his cheek. "Now please come with me and see Cal. Care for Cal as you just cared for me."


	10. Chapter 10

_I know I only updated this a couple of days ago, but this is the last chapter, so I thought I'd post it and finish the story. I hope the ending doesn't feel too rushed. Thank you for all your amazing reviews - and for helping it grow from four chapters to ten!_

 **X-Sammii-X** , I think Lily is a lot more caring than she seems, but she struggles to show emotions like that. She was lovely to Ethan when he nearly resigned - it's a shame they haven't had many scenes together since then, but they've both had a relatively quiet time, at least by their standards. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the way I wrote David - I love him. I think Lily finds it difficult to relax with people she doesn't know well, but who wouldn't relax with Ethan? (Well, maybe I'd be too excited to relax...) When Ethan gets depressed, it's very difficult for anyone to talk him out of his feelings, unfortunately. Lily isn't known for empathy and David isn't known for talking, but they might be getting through to him.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan really needs to go to Cal - Cal needs him and the longer Ethan leaves it, the harder it's likely to get. Spending more time away from Cal is only going to increase his guilt!

 **Panicatcasualty123** , I'm afraid Cal and Ethan don't often have a very good time in my stories! Ethan's confidence has taken a battering and Cal's body has taken a couple of batterings, so they really need support - but they also really need each other. Thank you for your review - I'm really happy you're enjoying it.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review - I'm really pleased you like the way I like emotions. This has been a difficult story to write because there's been so much description and comparatively little dialogue. Cal and Ethan do both need comfort - Ethan wouldn't agree with that, though he would if someone else was in his position.

 **westlife4ever80** , I wish you could go and hug Ethan - he needs hugging so badly! He will do a great job of looking after Cal - I think only Ethan has any doubts about that! I hope Lily gets a positive storyline too, but I'm concerned about how Alicia's return might affect her. Thank you for your reviews.

* * *

Ethan stood up slowly. He had the feeling he would trip or fall over and he grabbed Lily's hand in sudden terror.

She looked at him, her eyes warm. Ethan felt some of the tension drain from his shoulders. He stood still for a moment and realised he felt steady. No different from usual.

Lily squeezed his hand and tugged at it gently. She didn't let go. Ethan looked at her again and gave her a small smile, which she returned.

Ethan took one step, then another. He walked slowly, comforted by the softness of the rug on the floor. If he fell on the rug, it might not hurt so much. The rug only covered a small area of the carpet, but they could buy more rugs.

Ethan walked across the carpet. As he did, his eyes moved from side to side. He noted the walls. When he felt wobbly, he could probably lean on the walls. He did that sometimes when he wasn't very well. It mostly worked, except very occasionally when he didn't have his glasses on and didn't notice the wall had come to an end. Though actually, Cal did that a lot more often than Ethan and there was nothing wrong with _his_ eyesight.

They walked towards the bedroom. Ethan had always dreamed of living in a house eventually – _me and Lily… um, I mean me and a very special lady and maybe a little girl like Matilda who would adore her Uncle Cal_ _and a boy who could play football much better than me_ – but he had come to love his flat. He was happy here. He could continue to be happy here.

Not forever of course. He might need a ground floor flat eventually. After that, perhaps he'd need to go into a home. But before then…

Ethan looked at Lily. "Lily, will I be able to do some of the things I want to do before I go into a home?"

Lily stared at him for a moment, then she hugged him tightly. "Ethan, you might not need to go into a home, but you will be able to do lots of things. But there are two rules."

Ethan felt almost as though he was drowning in her eyes. A part of him was still whispering that the rules didn't matter. It would all depend on his illness. But he was intrigued. He wanted to know. "What rules?"

"They have to be things you want to do and not things Cal wants to do," said Lily. "Cal is 'Cal' enough for both of you. But the world always needs more 'Ethan' – and there is so much more Ethan to come."

Ethan couldn't imagine what she meant, but Lily never said anything unless she meant it – and Lily was usually right.

"Did you hear there is an industry conference in Switzerland?" said Lily. "We could perhaps combine it with a walking holiday in the Alps. And if you wanted to hire a chalet, you can show me your cooking skills you learned on your courses."

Ethan felt a rush of an emotion he almost didn't recognise. But it faded quickly. "Will I be safe to cook?"

"It is the month after next," said Lily. "I think you will be very safe to cook. But I will be there."

"I… I would like that," said Ethan shyly. It could only be as friends, of course, but friends were important.

"I think we would have a very nice time," said Lily.

Ethan remembered her saying that once before. He smiled at the memory of how beautiful Lily had looked that day. He might not have the memory forever, so he would enjoy it now.

"What are you thinking?" asked Lily.

"About a time when I was very stupid," said Ethan.

Lily looked stern. "Ethan, you're not stupid."

"You asked me to have dinner with you," said Ethan. "You said we'd have a nice time. I told you I was going out with Jacob instead, but I actually spent the evening with Cal, thinking of Honey."

The sternness on Lily's face faded. "All right. Perhaps you were stupid. You should never choose Honey unless the other option is jam."

"I don't mean to be unkind, but I think I'd prefer the jam," said 'd reached Cal's bedroom. They stopped walking. He turned towards Lily and she towards him.

The door opened. David stood there. "Sorry," he said quietly, and started to close the door.

"We've come to speak to Cal," said Ethan.

"No," said Lily. "Ethan has come to speak to Cal. I will wait here."

Ethan smiled at Lily. His arms were moving. He hadn't told them to, but they were moving.

They wrapped around Lily and held her tightly. She was warm. Firm but soft. He should have felt terrified, but he felt safe.

Lily was hugging him back. "I will be here, Ethan."

"I know," whispered Ethan. He let his lips brush her forehead. He reluctantly moved away.

Lily leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

Ethan stared at her in shock. Had she… had she really…

Lily stepped away. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," said Ethan.

"You're… not?" said Lily slowly.

Ethan turned her to face him. "I honestly don't think I've ever been less sorry about anything," he said.

"Then neither am I," said Lily, and leaned towards him again.

Ethan stopped her. "But… are _you_ sure? I mean… I have Huntington's."

"I'm very sure," said Lily. "Because you're Ethan."

Ethan initiated the kiss this time.

When they finally parted, David was smiling. He touched Ethan lightly on the arm as Ethan passed through the doorway. Ethan heard the door close with a click.

Cal was sitting up in bed. He looked tired and unwell but not unwelcoming. He smiled. "Hey."

"Hey," said Ethan. He lifted his arm in a little wave that probably made him look like a complete idiot.

Cal was smiling in amusement, but he lifted his hand and waved too. "Hey, Nibbles. So what were you and Lily up to that was making David grin like an idiot?"

"Um… well, actually, kissing," said Ethan.

Cal's jaw dropped. "Not really!"

"Yes. Really." Ethan looked fearfully at Cal. "Do you think that's a bad idea? I mean-"

"I think it's the best idea you've ever had," said Cal. He patted the bed beside him. "Come here."

Ethan walked hesitantly towards him. He sat on the bed. "Cal, I'm sorry."

"For the wheelchair?" Cal mimed waving his apology away. "Not your fault."

"No," said Ethan. "For being an idiot."

Cal smiled reassuringly. "That's not your fault either."

"I should have been here for you," said Ethan.

"You were here," said Cal. "But it's tough being a carer, Ethan. It's tough for anyone. You're going to make mistakes and forget things. Not because you've got the Huntington's gene. Because you're human."

Ethan tried to smile. "I don't think you've ever called me that before."

"Then I'll tell you again," said Cal. "Just don't ever quote me on this or I will have to kill you. You, Ethan Hardy, are a human, and one of the best I know and if I can be half as good as a human as you, I'll be more than happy."

Ethan felt a lump in his throat. "You're already at least twice as good as me. And you're going to be even better."

Cal moved slowly and carefully. There were a few winces on the way that caught at Ethan's heart, but Cal didn't gave up. He kept moving until his arms were around Ethan.

"You seem a lot happier than David said you were," said Cal.

"I had a chat with Lily," said Ethan. "She said some things. I don't know if I agree with her, but if she believes it, then maybe… maybe she might even have a point?"

Cal grinned. "This is Lily Chao we're talking about. I'd say she's got at least two points."

"I'm going to be charitable and assume you weren't trying to be crude."

"What? Crude? When?" Cal sounded quite startled. Then he groaned. "Oh, Ethan. Is there any chance you'll believe me if I said I didn't mean it like that?"

"There's a chance," said Ethan.

Cal laughed and his arms tightened around Ethan for a moment. "I'm glad you're feeling happier."

"Me too," said Ethan. "But… it's not going to last, Cal. I'm having an 'up'. My biggest 'up' for a while."

"Now who's being crude? Not that I blame you if you've been kissing Lily." Cal rubbed his shoulder. "It's okay. I know what you meant."

Ethan smiled reluctantly, but then he was serious again. "Half an hour ago, I was having my biggest 'down'. And I think that's how it's going to be now. Up and down. And the downs will get more frequent."

Cal's voice shook. "You don't know that."

"Maybe I don't," said Ethan. "But there's a good chance. At least until I get past the depression phase. So when I'm 'up'… I mean, um, when I have a happy phase, I'm going to try to make the most of it."

"That sounds good." Cal's voice was stronger now."

"But from now on, I'm going to 'be more Ethan'," said Ethan.

Cal hugged him closer. A tiny gasp of pain escaped his lips, but his voice was firm. "I can't think of anything better."

"Though I am going to go and stay alone in a chalet in Switzerland with Lily, which might make me a little bit 'more Cal'," said Ethan. "But we're going to go to an industry conference while we're there. And walk a lot."

Cal nodded approvingly. "That sounds perfect for you and Lily. And it also sounds boring, so there's no chance of me gatecrashing! You go and have a great time."

Ethan smiled for a moment, but then another feeling filled him and he sighed, cuddling close to his brother.

Cal responded by holding him more tightly. "What is it, Nibbles?"

"I'm… I'm scared, Cal. Scared of what the future will bring."

"I know, Ethan," said Cal sadly. "And I _wish_ I could take that fear away."

Ethan lowered his head as his eyes began to mist with tears. He knew no-one could ever take that fear away. And it would probably get bigger.

"But I'm going to face it with you," said Cal. "You, me and Lily together. I'm not going to let you fall."


End file.
